it's so weird having a blog, a journal, friends that I want to keep in touch with...and yet not feel free to say what I feel or want to say...
basically my heart was shattered. but if you ask certain people, it doesn't matter..it's just me always wanting to play the victim. yes, because playing the role of the victim is SOOOO much fun. :)
whatever. it's done.
I once again am aware that I am ONLY RESPONSIBLE FOR MY OWN ACTIONS!!!
and I want my actions to please God..I really want Him to SMILE when He thinks of Robbie Niccum and I think He does, the majority of the time. :) :) :)
I was journaling ( in my private "real" journal :P) this morning and I was telling God that I don't know how to hand Him this hurt. Though I know He is right here with me and he wants to take it for me and help me through it, I really really really didn't know how to just give it to Him.
I had my Bible in my lap because I was going to look over the verse thatmost of our family memorized..1 Peter 3:8-12...I was going to remind myself that we are to live in harmony with others..we are to love as brothers, be sympathetic, compassionate, and humble...forgiving and all those good things....
well, after speaking to my Father who is always there to listen to me...I look down and see "Who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good?" and EAGER jumped out at me....
I AM eager to do good! Everyone who knows me knows that!
The next line says "but even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed."

well, there you go. Thank you Jesus. I am BLESSED. and forgiven for being awful and adlibbing to live in harmony even if the rest of the people are being a__holes. I am just being honest..I will never make you think that I think I am holier than thou..I am very human and have very real feelings that DO matter.

in other news...doing an hour of Zumba and then eating a huge bag of peanut butter M&Ms for lunch on a somewhat empty stomach is not the wisest choice I could have made today.

I was at the post office yesterday and noticed a FED EX box in front of it and it made me chuckle.

I have completed a one hour ZUMBA DVD that I am sending to my out of town friends as Christmas gifts...I am hoping to get those in the mail today.

I am trying to not be my normal Christmas scrooge this year...it is my first year that is SURE to be WITHOUT drama :) So that is a plus and a great start. :)
The five children are getting one gift each and then Santa will probably leave one thing for the family.

I have given Mike my list here and there..they are the best gifts I could ask for...like one of those flashlights that stays on a plug in charger so it is always accessible and charged. A dumpster so we can throw everything away...stuff like that. :)

I think I am getting a bike hitch attached to his car( through U-HAUL)...I wish I could do it without him knowing about it..but I don't think I could pull that off. :P

We are spending Christmas in Effingham with his family. I was sad when I heard about it at first..because I really dislike the rushing around on Christmas morning...so I just told them...we are not rushing on Christmas morning....I would like to have a nice breakfast without rushing. I would like to take a nice hot shower without my heart palping from rushing...I told them they do not have to wait for us to eat and yea, that's that :) win win :) :) :)
After all that..I started thinking we could actually do our Christmas on Christmas Eve and go ahead and get there on time to be with everyone else. :P well, we'll see..at least we don't HAVE to rush because I already told them we aren't..

well, I need to get these DVDS in their envelopes and look up everyone's addresses and all that jazz....I have missed you all. I caught up on your blogs but I was on a different computer that wouldn't let me COMMENT. :/ the nerve! :P

Before I go, you just have to know that I am on a journey of healing...it is going to be rough..I am going to have great days and not so great days...some days I will be understanding and compassionate..other days I am going to be really hurt and some days I will be really angry...but what I know, is I want this done, once and for all...seriously...OPERATION BIG GIRL PANTIES, ON!